I know it is supposed to be the other way around, but that is not how things are going for me right now. I am currently in a bit of a storm. I know that calm is on its way, but that isn’t where I am right now. DH left today for Orlando. He has a conference there. The boys and I will be joining him on Tuesday. I know that everything will be calm and fun while we are there. I keep reminding myself of that.

Before then, I am dealing with the storm. I have the two boys by myself. LB is really upset that his Daddy isn’t here. He keeps insisting that we leave for “Borlando” now. CB senses his brother’s mood and has been a bit cranky tonight. I am also worrying about packing for all three of us. I have to get diapers clean and dried tomorrow night so that we have them for travel (the only time I wish I didn’t cloth diaper…I thought about putting CB in disposables for the trip, but with his sensitive skin I just can’t). I also have a really rough day ahead of me tomorrow in court (the reason we won’t be leaving until Tuesday). I will have to take the dogs to the vet (not an easy task by myself), too.

On top of all of that, my grandfather decided to stop his various treatments and allow himself to die. He is 85, and they say that he has fewer than 5 days left. His quality of life has not been good for the last year or so. He is ready. The problem is that the rest of us aren’t (selfish, I know). I have been feeling a lot of guilt. I can’t be there (can you believe $1500 for a plane ticket to go for just a few days). I am starting that “I wish I had called more” stuff. I also feel sad that I don’t have pictures of my boys with my grandfather. He has only gotten to see LB once (almost three years ago, when LB was 7 months old). He has never gotten to see CB. It makes me sad. There isn’t anything I can do about it, but it makes me sad. The thing is, I know that my grandpa has not been happy for a while. He is spunky and full of life. The last year (and especially the last few months), he has been weak and sick. His spunk turned to grouchiness. I know that isn’t how he wants to live. I know that he is at peace with his decision. He is ready to stop suffering and have some of his own calm. I also know that I would feel guilty even if I had called him everyday. That is how I deal with grief. I just try to remember that he knows how much I love him. He always has. He says that he feels that love surrounding him now. I know that in the next few days, I will get the sad news that he is gone. The anticipation is almost as bad right now (maybe worse since I know that he is still suffering now).

This particular stress is making all the others in my life even more acute. As I deal with work stuff, I field calls asking about life insurance and the difference between withdrawl of treatment and suicide. While dealing with cranky boys, I talk to my grandfather and try to tell him cute stories about the boys (as he requested). I cry at random times, and I try not to let it show at work or to the boys. I am trying to decide how to explain it to LB (or IF to explain it to LB). I have tried not to let it interfere with work or parenting, but it does some. I can’t let my co-workers, clients, children, or my grandfather see me crying. It is just too much to explain to any of them right now (except grandpa…it just makes him sad).

I just keep waiting for the calm. I keep reminding myself that the storms will pass.

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